Raising Gifted Kids: What Parents Want to Know
- Julie Church
- 2 days ago
- 7 min read
The Trouble With the Label: What “Gifted” Does & Doesn’t Mean
By Danielle Sullivan, Ed.D.
If you’ve ever hesitated before telling another parent that your child is “gifted,” you’re not alone.
Many parents describe the same moment: You’re at a school event, or chatting in a parking lot, and someone asks, “How’s your child doing?”
You pause — because you know that one word can change the whole conversation.
Sometimes people get quiet.Sometimes they joke.Sometimes they look at you differently.Sometimes they assume things about your child — and about you — that aren’t true.
The label “gifted” carries weight. Sometimes it opens doors. Sometimes it shuts them. And most parents are left navigating that tension without a map.
This article is that map. Share it with the parent who whispered, “I don’t know how to talk about this,” and wished someone understood.
1. A Label That Feels Bigger Than Your Child
For many families, “gifted” doesn’t feel like a simple descriptor. It feels like a spotlight.
Parents tell us:
“It feels braggy.”
“People think I’m saying my kid is better than theirs.”
“I don’t want other parents to think I’m judging.”
“I wish there were another word.”
Here’s the truth most people don’t know: The label wasn’t designed to be a compliment. It was designed to be an educational service category.
Just like “speech-language impaired” or “OHI,” the term exists so schools can provide specific support.
Save-worthy insight: Giftedness isn’t a brag — it’s a learning profile.
2. The Label Creates Expectations Your Child Never Asked For
Once the word is spoken, everyone seems to have an opinion:
“So they must get straight A’s!”
“They must be easy to teach.”
“They probably never struggle.”
“They’re going to go to an Ivy League school.”
Meanwhile, your child is:
hiding their perfectionism
melting down over small mistakes
masking to fit in
getting bored
feeling lonely
struggling with executive function
unsure how to handle praise
The label creates pressure — even when you try to protect them from it.
Sharable truth: Gifted kids don’t fear being gifted — they fear disappointing the expectations tied to the label.
3. The Label Doesn’t Travel Well Across Communities
One reason parents feel uncertain about using the label is that reactions vary wildly by context.
In some circles, “gifted” is met with skepticism.In others, it’s met with envy.In others, it’s dismissed as meaningless.In some communities, it’s associated with gatekeeping or unfair access.In others, families are pressured not to talk about it at all.
Parents end up walking on eggshells — not because they’re unsure of their child’s needs, but because they’re unsure of how the label will land.
This emotional labor is real. And it is often invisible.
Shareable line: Giftedness shouldn’t be a taboo topic — but in many communities, it is.
4. The Label Gets Confused With High Achievement
One of the biggest misunderstandings is the myth that “gifted” means:
high scores
good behavior
strong work habits
perfect grades
maturity
ease
But the label was never intended to predict achievement. It describes the way a child thinks — not what they produce. Giftedness is about potential, not performance.
Performance is shaped by:
opportunity
instruction
environment
mental health
executive function
lived experience
identity
trauma
belonging
When the world expects achievement, and the child’s reality is more complex, they often feel like they are “failing at being gifted.”
Save or share this: A gifted child is not an achievement machine. The label describes wiring, not output.
5. The Label Is Useful — When It Gets Kids What They Need
Despite the complications, the label matters — because it:
protects advanced learners under school policy
opens conversations about appropriate challenge
signals asynchronous development
provides language for emotional intensity
gives teachers permission to differentiate
helps students meet peers who think like they do
The word may feel heavy, but the services it unlocks lighten the load.
Shareable reminder: The label isn’t the point — the support that comes with it is.
So How Should You Talk About the Label?
Talking about giftedness can feel complicated — especially when the label comes with assumptions, pressure, or misunderstanding. Here are clear, practical ways parents can talk about the label in empowering, grounded, emotionally healthy ways:
✔ Use the label when it helps your child access support — and say it with confidence.
Many parents whisper the word “gifted” as if it’s bragging. It’s not. It’s a service category
that opens doors.
Try saying:
“My child was identified as gifted, which means they need instruction with more depth and complexity.”
“Gifted is the term our school uses to describe their learning profile.”
“This label helps us understand how they learn — not how they compare.”
Why this works: It shifts the conversation from status → support.
✔ Avoid using the label as a measure of worth — and help your child separate identity from expectation.
Gifted kids often internalize pressure from the word itself.
Say things like:
“Gifted doesn’t mean better — it just means your brain makes connections differently.”
“You don’t have to earn the label.”
“You are more than a test score or a category.”
With other adults, try:
“Gifted isn’t about achievement — it’s about how they process information.”
Why this works:It prevents the label from becoming a performance requirement.
✔ Normalize the label at home by treating it as one part of your child’s whole self.
The goal is to make “gifted” feel descriptive, not defining.
Try reframing like this:
“This is just one part of who you are — like being artistic, athletic, or musical.”
“Gifted is about how you think, not who you have to become.”
“It tells us how to support your learning, not how smart you are expected to be.”
Family modeling matters: Use the label casually but neutrally:
“Your gifted program meets on Wednesdays.”
“This strategy works well for gifted learners like you.”
Why this works: It removes the taboo and reduces internalized pressure.
✔ If the label feels heavy, focus on needs instead of the name.
Some communities react strongly to the word “gifted.” If the label adds tension, talk about the profile instead of the title.
Try shifting to need-based language:
“My child learns best with faster pacing.”
“They benefit from more open-ended, complex tasks.”
“They thrive when they can explore ideas in depth.”
“Boredom can look like disengagement for them — challenge helps them stay motivated.”
Why this works: It keeps the conversation grounded in learning rather than labels.
✔ Give your child language for describing themselves beyond the label — and model it often.
Gifted kids deserve a vocabulary that reflects their full humanity, not just their cognitive profile.
Help them build a richer identity by using words like:
curious
creative
intense
imaginative
analytical
big-feeling
fast-thinking
observant
passionate
deep-thinking
justice-oriented
Model how to use these words:
“You made such a creative connection there.”
“I can see how deeply you feel things — that’s a strength.”
“Your curiosity is one of my favorite things about you.”
Why this works: It prevents the label from overshadowing the person.
✔ Teach your child how to talk about the label with peers — including when not to use it.
Kids need scripts for social comfort and safety. Help them practice phrases like:
“I’m in an advanced class because I like learning deeply.”
“I learn best when things are challenging.”
“It’s just a program I go to — lots of kids have different programs.”
And when they don’t want to discuss it:
“I don’t really want to talk about school labels.”
“Everyone learns differently — that’s all.”
Why this matters: It gives them agency over their story.
✔ Use advocacy-friendly language when talking with teachers or schools.
Parents often say “gifted,” but teachers respond better to descriptions of learning needs. Try:
“My child learns quickly and benefits from deeper or faster-moving tasks.”
“When work is too repetitive, they disengage — can we explore ways to add depth?”
“They often mask confusion because they want to seem capable — I want to partner on helping them take risks.”
Why this works: It keeps the conversation collaborative rather than defensive.
Fridge-Worthy Takeaway (Screenshot-Friendly Box)
THE TROUBLE WITH THE LABEL “GIFTED”
It’s misunderstood as a compliment instead of a learning profile.
It creates expectations kids never asked for.
It lands differently across communities.
It’s confused with achievement instead of wiring.
It matters most when it unlocks appropriate challenge and support.
The label is complicated — but your child isn’t.
They’re simply growing into who they already are.
Before You Go — A Quiet Invitation
If this article made you exhale — if it reminded you that you’re not doing this wrong — if it helped you put words to something you’ve felt for years— you might want to come back next week.
Each week, we share one honest, practical, judgment-free piece about raising bright, intense, beautifully complex learners. And if you know another parent who hesitates to say the word “gifted,” forward this to them. It might be the exact reassurance they needed today.
If you’d like to comment, we’d love to know, what’s one belief about the “gifted” label that you’ve noticed?
Join Us in Concord
If you’re a parent, caregiver, or guardian of a gifted learner, we invite you to join us for Through the Looking Glass: Parenting Gifted Learners on Friday, March 13, 2026, in Concord, NC.
This morning event is designed specifically for families and will take place alongside the 51st Annual NCAGT Conference. You’ll hear from Dr. Emily King, a child psychologist with over 20 years of experience, and choose from sessions focused on understanding gifted development, navigating IEPs and DEPs, and supporting your child both academically and emotionally.
Whether you’re looking for practical tools, reassurance, or connection with other families who understand this journey, this event is for you. We hope to see you there.
👉 Learn more and register here: https://www.ncagt.org/event-details/through-the-looking-glass-parenting-gifted-learners
Check out other articles in this series:
Foundational Myths & Mindshifts (Weeks 1–4)
Sets the tone: validating, myth-busting, and emotionally grounding for parents.
Helps parents recognize real cognitive engagement vs. busywork or perfectionism.
Addresses parent isolation and introduces the idea that community matters
Positions NCAGT as a guide for parents navigating supplemental challenge and advocacy.
Understanding How Giftedness Really Works (Weeks 5–8)
Helps parents understand perfectionism, self-imposed pressure, and executive function gaps.
Normalizes emotional intensity and introduces emotional tools.
A deeply relatable topic for parents and a smooth bridge to the “why” articles ahead
A keystone article explaining asynchronous development, masking, boredom, and uneven profiles.
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