Raising Gifted Kids: What Parents Want to Know #1
- Julie Church
- 4 days ago
- 7 min read
The Myth of “They’ll Be Fine”
By Danielle Sullivan, Ed.D.
You’ve probably heard it before — sometimes from a teacher, a relative, or another parent at the park: “Don’t worry. Your child will be fine.”
It sounds comforting. But for many families of gifted children, it’s a phrase that lands heavy.
Maybe your child finishes classwork in five minutes and spends the rest of the lesson helping others. Maybe they cry over a 97 instead of celebrating it. Maybe they ask questions so big they stop dinner conversations cold.
And yet, people still smile and say, “They’ll be fine.”
It’s a tempting idea — one rooted in the belief that giftedness takes care of itself. That intelligence protects children from struggle. That advanced learners are self-righting, self-motivated, and self-confident.
But here’s the truth: Gifted doesn’t mean easy. Gifted doesn’t mean happy. And gifted doesn’t mean “fine.”
You’re not alone if you’ve ever wondered why supporting your gifted child feels more complicated than others make it sound. Let’s unpack why this myth persists — and what’s really going on beneath the surface.
Why This Myth Persists
Giftedness is often misunderstood. On the outside, a child might seem confident and capable—reading far beyond grade level, solving problems with ease, or asking questions that leave adults stumped.
Because of this, many assume gifted learners don’t need help, extra attention, or even encouragement. “They’ll be fine” becomes the default response.
But inside the classroom, and inside their own minds, many gifted children experience something very different:
Being asked to serve as the class tutor instead of receiving their own instruction. What looks like leadership to adults can feel like punishment to a child, sometimes even leading to bullying or resentment from peers.
Carrying mistakes on a replay carousel: Gifted children often fixate on the smallest slip-ups, replaying them long after everyone else has moved on. “Why did I say that? Everyone probably thinks I’m dumb now. I should have known better.”
Feeling pressure to perform “on demand” to meet unrealistic expectations: Some gifted children freeze when asked to show their thinking out loud, fearing their ideas won’t come out perfectly. “Everyone expects me to know the answer. What if I don’t know? Does this mean I’m not gifted anymore?”
Hiding their true interests or abilities to avoid being labeled “weird,” “know-it-all,” or “too much.”
Feeling isolated because they don’t always see themselves reflected in their classmates. “Why am I the only one who thinks this way? Maybe I should just stay quiet.”
Our culture often praises humility in parenting. Parents of gifted children sometimes feel they must downplay their child’s abilities to avoid appearing boastful. At the same time, society invests visible energy and empathy into students who struggle—while assuming gifted learners will “be fine.” This imbalance can leave families feeling isolated, unsure when or how to ask for support.
What Parents Can Do
The phrase “They’ll be fine” survives because, on the surface, it sounds kind. It lets teachers, relatives, and even parents breathe a little easier. After all, gifted children seem confident, capable, and curious. They read early, ask impossible questions, and solve problems that stump adults.
From the outside, that looks like a child who doesn’t need help — maybe even a child who has enough already.
And in a world where time and resources are scarce, “fine” can start to feel like fairness.
But here’s what often gets missed: gifted learners may look confident while quietly wrestling with perfectionism, self-doubt, or loneliness. They might smile through boredom, hide their mistakes, or downplay their ideas to fit in.
And parents feel the weight of that myth, too. Many learn to silence their advocacy to avoid being labeled as “pushy” or “bragging.” They grow cautious with pride, careful not to draw attention to their child’s needs — because asking for more support can feel selfish in a culture that often centers struggle over potential.
So the myth continues. Not because people don’t care, but because “fine” is easier to believe than “needs something different.”
Recognizing this myth is the first step. Parents don’t have to choose between humility and advocacy—there’s a middle ground where confidence and compassion can coexist. Even small steps at home or in conversations with teachers can make a big difference. Here are a few ways to begin shifting that narrative at home and in your community:
Nurture their questions.
Gifted children often have “big” or unusual questions that adults brush off. Show them that wondering out loud is valuable.
Small step: When your child asks a tough question, resist the urge to answer right away. Instead say, “That’s a great question—what do you think?” or “Let’s look it up together.”
Name and normalize mistakes.
Many gifted kids believe being smart means being right. Remind them that mistakes are part of growth.
Small step: Share one time you made a mistake at work or home and what you learned from it.
Help them find outlets for their passions.
A gifted child’s interests don’t have to be academic to matter. Whether it’s airplanes, animals, maps, or music, following their curiosity helps them feel seen.
Small step: Notice what captures your child’s attention, then look for free ways to extend it—like visiting the local airport viewing area, taking a walk in nature, exploring the library, or watching a documentary together.
Connect to Family Values: Encourage children to cook family recipes, learn a grandparent’s language or connect with cultural mentors.
Give them a choice when possible.
Gifted children often feel powerless when everything is decided for them.
Small step: Offer simple choices at home—“Would you like to read before bed or sketch?”—to build a sense of control.
Support friendships that fit.
Bright kids sometimes connect better with older kids, younger kids, or adults than with same-age peers.
Small step: Pay attention to who your child “lights up” around and nurture those connections.
Tap into your “village”: acknowledge that there are trusted adults (faith leaders, coaches, elders, etc.) that may provide an opportunity for meaningful connection.
Model healthy self-talk.
Gifted kids often run a harsh inner dialogue. Show them kinder alternatives.
Small step: When you make a mistake, say aloud, “That didn’t go how I wanted, but it’s okay. I’ll try again.”
Reach out instead of waiting.
Parenting a gifted child can feel lonely, but you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Small step: Reach out to one other parent this week to share experiences, and if you’re not sure where to start, listen to the NCAGT podcast together and talk about what stood out.
Try This Together
Connection looks different in every family. For some, it starts with conversation; for others, it begins through stories, meals, or shared experiences. What matters most is making time to notice and name your child’s curiosity, creativity, and compassion.
Share one proud moment openly. Many parents of gifted children downplay their pride to avoid judgment. This week, try saying it out loud—“I’m proud of how thoughtfully you approached that problem” or “Your curiosity amazes me.” Share the story with a trusted friend or family member who will celebrate it with you.
Share stories within your circle. Reach out to one parent in your circle who might also be raising a bright or intense child. Ask, “What has surprised you most about your child’s learning?” You’ll both feel less alone—and you might find common ground that leads to ongoing connection.
Celebrate curiosity, not just achievement. Together, keep a small “wonder journal” at home. Each time your child asks a big or unusual question, write it down. Once a week, pick one to explore together—online, through a book, or by simply talking it out.
Reclaim family time for reflection. Before bedtime or dinner, take turns answering: “What made you think deeply today?” This helps gifted children see that thinking and feeling are worth celebrating, not just being “right” or “smart.”
Connect with community resources. Visit the NCAGT website, listen to the Raising Gifted Kids podcast, or follow @NCAGT on social media. Engaging in a supportive network reminds families that advocating for gifted learners is a shared effort.
The Bottom Line
Gifted kids don’t just need harder work—they need understanding. When adults move beyond the myth that they’ll “be fine,” we start to see the whole child: the thinker, the feeler, and the learner who sometimes hides their light to fit in.
Too often, society praises humility in parents of gifted children while quietly discouraging pride. Families are told to celebrate accomplishments modestly or to “keep it in perspective.” Yet when we silence that pride, we also silence advocacy. The truth is, acknowledging a child’s advanced abilities isn’t bragging—it’s responsible parenting.
In our culture, support systems and funding often flow toward visible struggles, while gifted learners’ needs remain hidden in plain sight. These children need opportunities that stretch their thinking, affirm their identity, and allow them to find peers who “get” them. When those supports are missing, “fine” becomes a mask that conceals stress, boredom, or quiet perfectionism.
Moving past the myth means choosing connection over comparison. It means reaching out—to teachers, other parents, or community networks—and saying, “My child’s needs are different, and that’s okay.” It means creating a space where gifted children can thrive, not shrink themselves.
When parents share their stories openly, they help shift the cultural narrative from isolation to understanding. Together, we can build a community where giftedness is not just tolerated—it’s celebrated as one of the many ways children learn, grow, and contribute.
Parent to Parent: What’s one thing you wish others understood about raising a gifted child? Share it in the comments—we’re building this community together.
Bonus Items:
Did you know?
Many gifted learners experience heightened sensitivity and self-criticism—traits that can look like anxiety or perfectionism.
Underachievement among gifted students often begins when they’re told “You’re fine” instead of being offered new challenges.
Parents of gifted children report higher feelings of isolation than parents of typically developing peers (research: Neihart, 2020; Cross & Coleman, 2014).
Parent Reflection Prompt:
When was the last time you downplayed your child’s accomplishment because you worried how others might react?
How might celebrating it—quietly or publicly—change the message your child hears about their gifts?
Try this today:
Replace “You’re so smart” with “I love how you stuck with that problem.”
Ask one teacher, “What do you do differently for students who have already mastered the standard/content?”
Reach out to another parent and compare one challenge, one joy.
Encourage re-framing common phrases:
Instead of Saying | Try Saying |
“You’ll be fine.” | “You deserve to be challenged and supported.” |
“You always get it right.” | “It’s okay to learn from mistakes.” |
“Don’t brag.” | “Share what excites you about learning.” |
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