Raising Gifted Kids: What Parents Want to Know #6
- Julie Church
- 6 hours ago
- 5 min read
Big Feelings, Bright Minds
By Danielle Sullivan, Ed.D.
You hear the door slam, and your heart sinks. You know that sound—the one that means something has gone wrong, even if you don’t know what yet. A broken pencil, a misunderstood comment, a tiny mistake—whatever it was, it feels enormous to your child.
And somehow, you’re swept into it, too.
Parenting a gifted child often means living at full volume: big ideas, big laughter, and big feelings that arrive without warning.
Why This Happens
Gifted children often experience what researchers call asynchronous development—their thinking skills grow faster than their emotional regulation. That means they can analyze a situation like a 16-year-old but still react to frustration like an 8-year-old.
They may:
Feel disappointment, empathy, or anger more deeply than peers.
Replay mistakes or misunderstandings long after they’re over.
Struggle to calm down once they’re upset because their brain is still “on.”
Feel isolated when others tell them they’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting.”
It’s not defiance—it’s intensity. Their minds race and their hearts follow, pulling you into the current before you realize it. They’re not trying to push back—they’re trying to stay afloat in feelings that come too quickly to control. What they need most isn’t correction, but connection.
What’s Really Going On
Inside, gifted kids are often trying to make sense of emotions their brains can analyze—but not yet manage. Their prefrontal cortex, the part that helps regulate big feelings, develops more slowly than the parts that fuel curiosity and imagination. In other words, they can see the problem clearly but don’t yet have the brakes to stop the emotional reaction that follows.
They notice every detail, imagine every possibility, and often carry the weight of the world’s problems on small shoulders. A small frustration—like a broken pencil or a lost turn—can trigger the same intensity another child might reserve for heartbreak.
Their emotions aren’t exaggerated; they’re amplified. They don’t have an “off” switch for empathy, worry, or wonder. And when those feelings collide, the result can look like defiance or chaos—but it’s really a tsunami of being overwhelmed.
And here’s the part we often forget: many parents of gifted children feel this intensity, too. When your child’s emotions spike, your own system reacts—you may mirror their frustration, rush to fix the problem, or feel helpless when you can’t calm them down. For gifted adults who also grew up masking or overthinking, their child’s reactions can stir old feelings of shame or fear.
This isn’t a failure of parenting; it’s a moment of shared wiring. Two deep-feeling, quick-thinking minds colliding at full speed.
What helps is remembering that emotional intensity isn’t the enemy—it’s information. It tells you what matters most. For parents, that means learning to pause before responding, breathe before advising, and connect before correcting.
The goal isn’t to quiet the emotion—it’s to create safety inside it.
What Parents Can Do
When emotions rise that high, it can feel impossible to know where to start. You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to ride them together. The goal isn’t to fix your child’s feelings—it’s to stay present through them, showing that love doesn’t disappear in the storm. Even small acts of calm—listening, breathing, sitting close—become anchors. Each shared moment of recovery teaches your child that big feelings don’t have to turn into tidal waves.
When big feelings rise, small actions matter. You don’t have to calm the whole storm—just steady the ship together. Each small gesture of presence—listening, breathing, waiting—teaches your child that even strong waves can be navigated with love and patience.
Name the emotion, not the behavior.
“It sounds like you’re feeling disappointed,” instead of “Stop overreacting.” Naming helps kids separate feeling from action.
Validate before you guide.
“That really hurt your feelings,” can open the door to calm problem-solving later. They can’t hear logic until they feel understood.
Model emotional recovery.
When you lose patience (and you will), model repair. “I was frustrated earlier and said that too quickly. Let’s start again.”
Use sensory resets.
Deep breaths, music, a shower, going outside, or a cozy blanket can regulate the body faster than reasoning can regulate the mind.
Set predictable routines.
Intense kids find comfort in knowing what comes next. Visual schedules, check-ins, or quiet transitions help them feel secure.
Praise the calm after the storm.
Point out moments when they recovered: “You were upset, but you found a way to calm down.” That reinforces emotional growth, not guilt.
Know when to take a break.
Some days aren’t for teaching—they’re for connection. A hug, a walk, or a few minutes of silence can do more than a lecture ever could.
Try This Together
Calming big emotions doesn’t happen in one conversation—it happens in the quiet, shared moments that follow. When families find ways to reconnect after a storm, children learn that relationships can bend without breaking. No two families calm the same way—and that’s the beauty of it. Some talk, some sing, some walk, some pray. The goal isn’t to follow a script; it’s to find what helps your family restore peace and connection after big feelings. The ideas below offer starting points you can shape to fit your own rhythms, traditions, and personalities.
The “Pause and Name” Game: When emotions rise, each person takes a slow breath and names what they feel without judgment. (“I’m tired.” “I’m overwhelmed.”) Over time, this builds emotional vocabulary for the whole family.
Create a Family Calm Space: It doesn’t have to be a “corner.” It could be a favorite chair, porch step, prayer mat, or quiet spot outside. Let everyone use it when they need peace.
Use Movement or Rhythm: Take a walk, dance, stretch, breathe, or drum together—movement helps release tension in ways words sometimes can’t.
Share Stories of Big Feelings: Read or watch characters who feel deeply—Anne Shirley, Akeelah, or even Inside Out—and talk about how they manage their emotions. You can also share family memories or songs that show perseverance and recovery.
Create Family Code Words: Choose a fun or meaningful word that means “I need space.” It helps children and adults ask for what they need before emotions overflow.
Name the Feeling and Match It with an Action: Try, “When I feel angry, I…” or “When I feel worried, I…” This normalizes emotional expression and helps everyone discover healthy ways to respond.
Build Family Rituals of Repair: Some families light a candle, share a meal, take a walk, or pray together after conflict. These small rituals communicate, “We’re still connected.”
Teach Through Play: Use humor and games—like passing a stuffed animal while sharing one thing you appreciate about each other—to rebuild warmth and connection.
The Bottom Line
Gifted children’s big feelings aren’t problems to fix—they’re invitations to understand. You can’t calm every wave, but you can be the steady shoreline they return to. Your calm shows them that emotions can be strong without being scary, and that love doesn’t disappear with the riptide.
Over time, they begin to see what you already know—that sensitivity isn’t weakness; it’s awareness. It’s the beginning of empathy, insight, and courage. When guided with patience and love, that awareness grows into emotional intelligence—the quiet superpower that helps them navigate both the world and their own hearts with wisdom.
✨ Parent to Parent: How does your child show their “big feelings,” and what helps them come back to calm? Share your story—your words might be exactly what another parent needs to hear today.