Raising Gifted Kids: What Parents Want to Know #7
- Julie Church
- 2 days ago
- 6 min read
When Friendship Feels Hard
By Danielle Sullivan, Ed.D.
You see it the moment they walk in—the look that says something went wrong. Their eyes avoid yours, their shoulders curve inward, and without a word they retreat to their quiet place, the one where they go to make sense of the day. You give them space, waiting for the story to surface in fragments: “They laughed.” “I didn’t get picked.” “I just sat by myself.”
You take a deep breath and wonder—should you call another parent? Talk to the teacher? Say nothing at all? Friendship shouldn’t be this hard, yet for many gifted children, it often is.
Why This Happens
Gifted kids sometimes experience what psychologists call social asynchrony—their interests, humor, or empathy may develop faster than their peers’. That difference can make connection feel like a puzzle that never quite fits.
They may:
Prefer deep conversations over casual chatter.
Feel out of place in groups that value sameness or popularity.
Take rejection personally and replay it long after everyone else has moved on.
Gravitate toward adults or older peers for companionship.
Struggle to balance authenticity with belonging.
It’s not arrogance or immaturity—it’s sensitivity meeting a world that doesn’t always speak the same emotional language.
And for many parents, this part is especially hard. You recognize that look of loneliness because you’ve worn it, too. Maybe you were the child who preferred the library to the playground, or who learned early that showing enthusiasm could invite teasing. You might still remember what it felt like to be “too much” or “not enough” for the groups around you.
Back then, your parents likely didn’t have words for it either. They might have told you to “just ignore it” or “try to fit in.” Now, standing on the other side, you want to help your child navigate the same terrain with more understanding than you were given—but it’s not always clear how.
Friendship struggles don’t mean something is wrong with your child—or with you. They mean that both of you are learning what it looks like to belong without shrinking.
What’s Really Going On
Inside, many gifted children are asking questions they can’t easily voice:
“Why doesn’t anyone else care about this?”
“Do I have to act differently to fit in?”
“Why does friendship feel like work?”
Their minds crave connection as much as their hearts do, but they’re often navigating two worlds at once—the world of their age group and the world of their intellect. They may laugh at jokes their peers don’t get or feel empathy others their age can’t yet grasp. It’s not that they don’t want friends; it’s that they want understanding—the kind that goes deeper than shared classes or favorite shows.
Their intensity can draw others in—or push them away. They notice tone, nuance, and inconsistency. When peers tease “just for fun,” gifted kids often hear judgment. When friends drift, they interpret it as rejection rather than routine. Their rich emotional lives can make the social world feel unpredictable and exhausting.
And while your instinct might be to coach or comfort, what they need most is your calm understanding. When you listen without rushing to fix it, you give them what every gifted child secretly longs for—a relationship where they don’t have to explain why they care so much.
But here’s the part that’s often unspoken: this journey isn’t just theirs—it’s yours, too. Many parents of gifted children still carry echoes of their own loneliness, that same feeling of being “out of sync.” When your child comes home hurt or excluded, it can reopen your own childhood memories of trying to belong. That’s why it feels so raw—it’s not only empathy; it’s recognition.
You can use that recognition as a bridge, not a burden. By sharing stories of your own friendship challenges (and how you learned to build meaningful connections as an adult), you model resilience and authenticity. When your child sees that relationships don’t have to be perfect to be real, they begin to believe that difference isn’t a defect—it’s the foundation of genuine connection.
Many gifted children also fall into a quiet trap: believing that being a “good friend” means constantly giving pieces of themselves away. They offer help before it’s asked, share prized possessions, or agree to things that make them uncomfortable—just to keep the peace. They learn early that generosity wins approval, but they don’t yet understand that healthy friendship isn’t built on self-erasure.
Stories we love, like The Rainbow Fish or The Giving Tree, often echo this message—give everything, and you’ll be loved. But as playwright Topher Payne reimagined in his alternative endings, true friendship grows through mutual care and respect, not depletion. You can help your child see that kindness doesn’t mean giving everything away—it means creating space where both people matter.
What Parents Can Do
When friendships feel rocky, most parents’ first instinct is to fix things—to call, to explain, to smooth it over. But friendships can’t be managed like group projects; they have to grow in their own time. What your child needs most isn’t rescue—it’s reassurance that they are still worthy, still loved, and still capable of connection, even when relationships are messy.
This is hard work, especially if you remember feeling the same way as a child. Every moment of your child’s loneliness can stir an echo of your own. But where your parents may not have had the words, you do. You can guide without controlling, listen without absorbing, and teach that true friendship doesn’t mean giving everything—it means showing up as your whole self.
Here are a few ways to start.
Normalize Difference: Remind your child that not everyone thinks or feels at the same speed—and that’s okay. Friendship doesn’t always mean sameness.
Name Strengths: Point out moments of kindness, humor, or curiosity that make them a good friend. Specific praise helps them see their social value.
Model Boundaries: Talk about healthy relationships and show what it looks like to walk away from unkindness without guilt.
Coach, Don’t Script: Role-play how to start a conversation or handle teasing, then let them make it their own. Authenticity beats rehearsed lines.
Broaden the Circle: Look beyond school—clubs, community groups, volunteering, faith gatherings, or online programs for gifted youth can reveal peers who “get” them.
Validate Feelings First: “It hurts to feel left out” goes further than “You’ll make new friends.” Understanding comes before solutions.
Try This Together
Friendship skills grow slowly—through everyday interactions, laughter, and even small misunderstandings that turn into teachable moments. Families can model what healthy connection looks like: listening without judgment, celebrating differences, and practicing repair when things go wrong. There’s no single way to do this. Some families talk, some play, some create, some serve together. The ideas below offer simple ways to help your child experience friendship at home—where they learn that being accepted doesn’t mean being the same.
The “Circle of Kindness” Game: Each person shares one way they saw kindness or inclusion that day—at school, at home, or in the community. Gratitude shifts focus from isolation to connection.
Story Swap Night: Share or read stories from your own culture, faith, or favorite books that show what lasting friendship looks like—Wonder, Charlotte’s Web, Inside Out 2, folktales, or family memories passed down through generations.
Shared Work, Shared Joy: Cook, build, garden, or volunteer together. In many families, teamwork and service are the heart of connection. Let your child experience the warmth of belonging through contribution.
Creative Connection: Express friendship through art, music, or writing—make a playlist for a friend, create a drawing together, or write encouraging notes to classmates or neighbors.
The Table Talk Tradition: Share a meal and use it as a time for storytelling, laughter, and reflection. Meals can be moments of emotional nourishment as well as physical.
Practice Repair: Role-play or discuss what it means to say, “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” or “Can we start over?” Model that real friendships include mistakes and mending.
Community Connection: Visit a local festival, faith event, or cultural celebration together. Talk about how people connect across differences and find joy in shared experiences.
The Bottom Line
Gifted children often sense the world more sharply and love more deeply than others expect. Sometimes it feels as though the world isn’t quite ready for the way they care. That depth can make friendship complicated—but it’s also what gives their relationships extraordinary meaning.
You can’t choose friends for your child, but you can create belonging at home—the kind that teaches them they don’t have to give themselves away to be loved. When they see kindness practiced around the table, in the neighborhood, or in the community, they begin to understand that friendship takes many forms—and that they already belong to something bigger than themselves.
In time, they’ll learn that friendship isn’t about fitting in—it’s about finding spaces where authenticity is safe, kindness is mutual, and difference is celebrated as strength.
✨ Parent to Parent: How does your child connect best—with one close friend, through shared interests, or in smaller groups? What helps them feel included? Share your story—your experience might help another family bridge the gap.
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